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Methamphetamine: Stories and Letters of the Hidden Costs
by Users, Loved Ones, and Parents

   Hi, I have read many storys from this site, some inspiring, some moving and some just plain horrific. I can understand though, growing up in Los Angeles County, I can definately relate to a lot of what I had read.
I would like to begin by saying, I am not a meth user, I havent used any drug for over 6 years now. I am the complete opposit of what I was a little over 6 years ago. I have a family now, a good job, a home.
I said all that because I would like to start this off on a positive note. Also, because back then I never thought I would have anything good in my life. It started in the summer of 2002 and lasted about 9 months. I had no idea what the stuff was, but me and friend just got back from a club and I tried it and I was hooked almost right away.
It was not immediately that I seen the bad in it. I would stay up for days at a time and at first I thought and felt great (until it wore off and I took more). After, I would say after the first week, it took more and more to get that feeling. I started getting a bad attitude toward people, real bad. I turned into a real jerk at times and hate to think back on some of things I would say to people and act.
   I stopped going to work after a while, I did try too, but I couldn't sometimes even get ready in time to go to work, without getting distracted like a little kid. I soon stopped paying bills, didnt care about bills, didnt care about anything or anyone. I had soon got kicked out of where I was living. I moved back to my dads temporarily, got kicked out within a couple of weeks. I would be in the garage at all hours of the night moving stuff, taking things apart, so that didnt last.
   Everyone was sick of me. I found refuge at a house where all the other dope fiends hung out. The girl that owned the house, she was a friend of mine that had gone downhill real fast because she was using too. It got to the point where she had became, i think the term is bag ho, anyways it was sad to think back on that. I turned to stealing to pay the rent. All my family members dis-owned me.
   The cops raided the house after about a couple months later. They had tried to recruit me as an informant because they knew that I knew a lot of people and offered me immunity. I chose to go to jail instead. I got out a few days later as it was my first offense. Right back in the next week for stealing cell phones. Got out a couple of weeks later cause the judge gave me a break. I was out for about a month, the probation department always trying to find me. At that point is when I overdosed and literaly went crazy (talking jibberish). I had lost my mind completely.
   I got picked up in a stolen SUV, i had only been out a month since last time. I was right back in the court room. No more breaks, they were talking 9 years. I barely remember laughing, as during this time I had gone mad from the overdose. I did 4 years for the crime. My dad died while I was in prison and I never got to go to the funeral. The worse part, is I never got a chance to show him that I could do better. There were drugs in prison, but I never did drugs again from day one in there. I wouldnt even smoke weed anymore. I guess after my mind started to repair itself, and I slowly became sane again, I became anti-drug.
  Now, like I said before, I havent used in over six years, going on seven. I could do it today if I wanted too, but I have no desire anymore to screw my life up, or go back to that. I have a family now, they are what drive me now. I have a lot of things going for me now that back then, I would never thought I would have. I have my other family back, the ones who had turned from me before. People started to believe in me again. Back then, I used to think there was no hope to get off the stuff, I was too gone. I also thought that I would die by the time I was 25. It was all a lie. One of the last things I did before my life started to turn around was ask for help. It's never too late to ask for help.
- -Matt

   Hi my name is Maria and I feel like my life is being destroyed by meth. My husband is addicted and I don’t know what to do. We have been married for six years and we have two beautiful girls who love their daddy. He putts the blame on me, he tell me I didn’t pay attention to him so he turned to drugs. At times I feel like I want to help him but when I see that he keeps lying and using, it breaks my heart. I love him with all of my heart but I can't put him before my kids. I hope that some day he sees how much he is going to loose and I hope that it isn't too late. I desperately want to move on but the guilt and the love I have for him keep me in the relationship. I never thought a person who I love so much could cause so much pain to me and my girls. If someone is going through the same or has gone through it please give me advise on how to let go of the guilt and a relationship where the only thing I get in return is tears and more tears. My email is maria.luv@22hotmail.com (remove the 22 after the @ symbol - this is done to prevent spaming and trolling robots)
--Maria

   I recall thinking in my youth, that im a "strong" person. Yeah- i can handle anything life throws my way! After a failed 20 yr marriage and 3 children later, ihad my own house, brand new mustang, my own business...life was freakin good!! Then my mom got sick. She was my B.F. An she didnt get a physical illness- but a mental one in which she couldnt care 4 herself. In fact was a danger to herself n others..i had no choice but to become her guardian- which she hated me 4. So while at work one day a coworker offered me a tiny white pill n said it would ease my worries. Oh man did it ever! So i got a few from her on n off..on a whim one day i searched "pharmacies"..then "online docs"..next i knew i wasnt just addicted to XANAX! I WAS TAKING BOuT 20 mg a day! And they were all delivered rite to my door! Til my credit cards were all maxed, my debit card was useless. Man if i could share that feeling of withdraw good enuf 2 spare others that same despair then it wouldnt have happened for naught.... during one bad withdraw scene i went lookin 4 a fix of "chil pils" . To the biggest dealer n dis midsize town usa. A close friend knew i was going n asked me to get some Ice. . To be cont..
--Karn

   I really enjoyed reading everyone else's story regarding they lives being touched by meth. Mines a little different in that im the other side of meth. Im a meth user/ now recovery (so he says) girlfriend. Ive been with the guy for 8 years and the last 3 have been hell. He started taking meth and drinking and going out however i was so naieve i never suspected any of it. I have never been around drugs and alcohol and he is 7 years older than i am and he had experienced it. I didnt understand why he wouldnt sleep with me at nights and why i would wake up at 3 or 4 in the morning and he would still be awake after working 8 hours and watching lots and lots of porn. I started to feel inadequate because he preferred porn over me. He would lock himself up in the room for hours and i would ask him a question and he was so short with me. We lost all communication with each other and i immersed myself in school earning a 3.6 gpa and working full time. I was exhausted but as long as i had something to focus on other than him it helped me cope. He never actually admitted it to me that he did it until i found white powder on a mirror and still did not know what it was. He played my naievity against me. He started going out to clubs and would not come home till 6 in the morning just to go to work and do it all over again. He finally decided to get help and was gone for 2 months to rehab. When he was gone i felt a huge sigh of relief and like a weight had been lifted off my shoulder. Then when he came home was the happiest day of my life i was ecstatic to have him back and we spent so much time making up for time lost i was on cloud 9. Eventually time went on and we started to get comfortable again and he started again, i suspected it this time but was afraid of starting a fight because he was edgy i kept my mouth shut. He admitted it but stated he could overcome it himself. He didnt need rehab. He tried to drown his sorrows with alcohol, he drank so much he lost his job and slept almost 18 hours a day. Our bedroom reeked of body odor because he would not shower for days. I reached out to his parents, mind you they are christian with degrees and normal people, his dad came to my rescue and was assaulted by my bf who was running around the house naked and screaming. He went a second time to rehab, this time for 6 months. It was hard but i was hoping he would return like before and be the guy i fell in love with. I was wrong again. I felt so stupid for enduring this with him. People would ask him why i stuck by him thru this and i wanted to scream because im stupid, self-loathing, and incapable of loving myself. But thats not the case. Im not stupid and i know i deserve better but why wouldnt i just give up on him. He came home and we moved and i thought aww yes fresh start and things were good. Him not having a job was wearing on him i think. I paid all the bills and he just sat there and tried to get better. I thought it would be ideal for him but he didnt stay clean for long. He met people quick, i hadnt even met many people and somehow he figured out how to score meth in a month of being in a new place. I thought i could shelter him from this if we moved and he didnt socialize with anyone. Stupid right? I was trying to be a parent to him and enabling him. I learned this is the hardest thing to do is not enable someone. So now hes home and clean for a month and went into a detox program for 2 weeks until he was kicked out for not complying with the facilities rules. Hes home and has a job but drinks everyday. He thinks because he doesnt do meth we are good. He traded one drug for another basically. I feel so lonely and miserable and it has caused severe depression. I have become violent and even contemplated hurting him but thats not me. Im a peaceful person and i could not imagaine hurting anyone. He has pushed me to my limits and i want him out but i know i love him so much it hurts. He tells me to tell him i dont love him and he will leave but he knows i cannot tell him that. It hurts too much. I just wish i had the same guy i met so many years ago but im finally getting it that hes not that person. Meth has transformed his brain into someone i do not know or want to know any longer. Im embarassed with my situation but i have problems letting go. I feel strong enough to tell him get out but when it comes down to it i crack. Sorry for my rambling i just have no other outlet. Im embarassed to talk to my best friend because she doesnt understand why im still with him. I dont dare tell anyone else for looking like a stupid girl that doesnt know when its time to move on. Ive helped my friend leave a abusive relationship yet i cannot do it myself. Thanks for listening and you have no idea how much of a relief this is for me to get this off my chest.
--Sandra

   I guess I started in high school, with alcohol, and then on to mariguana. This was my wonder years and today I wonder where they went. I got my first taste of meth around 1985. Then it was every once in awhile until 1992, when I first started running to California, it was plentiful then and relitively cheap. I'd go for days without sleep, wouldn't eat, I was a walking time bomb. I would run back and forth to the west coast at eighty miles per hour, eghty thousand pounds of steel under me, and most of the time I had no idea where I was or how I got there. My eyes were sunken back in my head, my clothes just hung off my body like a clothes line. I finally realized I had to come off the road or give up the dope. I came off the road and styed on the meth. I actually thought I had done the best thing. I guess for the other people on the road, I had.
    So now I had no worries of killing anyone, but myself, and looking back I,m sure that is what I was trying to do. I had already lost my wife and kids, now my career was gone. I was in a lot of emotional ( self-inflicted ) pain, so what did I do? I medicated the only way I knew how, more drugs, by this time I was a lab rat. I would take anything as long as I didn't have to face reality.
    Jail was my second home by now, in and out of trouble, I just didn't care anymore. My family would rejoice when I was incarcerated because they could rest and not worry about getting a call from the morgue.
In 2005, I had been in the county jail for a couple of weeks, when one night I layed in my bunk and could not go to sleep. I flopped around like a fish out of water, until I finally got up and hit my knees, right ther in that cell, I prayed for the first time in years. And I'll never forget the prayer that I prayed that night. I said : God, what am I doing here, this is not the example that I want to set for my kids, I'm fourty two years old, why am I acting like this? Lord , I don't know where I went wrong but if you'll allow me back in the flock and release me from these addictions, I'll live my life for you. Please God come into my heart and let me come home. When I stood up, I knew he had heard me, I felt the weight of the world being lifted up off of me.
    Four days later, I was called back before the Judge, and released. To this day I don't know why, but the Judge said he just felt like I deserved one more chance.
    Today, I am free from addiction, ever since that night, I havent had so much as a thought of doing meth, or anything else.
    I heard a sermon one Sunday morning entittled " Turning Your Pain to Pearls" . It was then that I knew, God didn't let me live in that hell for nothing, I have a calling now to go back and minister to addicts who are still suffering.
--Tommy

   i was the biggest tweaker in the world. i did meth for about 7 years. snorted it only for the first 5. started smoking & snorting it which is when the disaster started, and i had an endless supply and once you start smoking it all day ,while still snorting it is when you realy lose your mind. i thought every helicopter was out to get me, i searched my entire house on hands & knees looking for clues that my boyfriend was sneaking into my house manufacturing speed. this whole period is such an effed up weird blur, but im pretty sure he most definitly was doing NOTHING of the sort. i thought he was cheating on me with my best friends, I thought they were conspiring to have me locked away, i thought there were secret cells batteries that he was using to spy on me with in my purse. (too hard to explain...dont even ask lol) long effed up story kinda short, i quit cold turkey. no rehab. it is possible. and i hate to say it but it wasnt nearly as bad as I thought it would be which seems ridiculous now cuz i should have quit WAY sooner. it wasnt even that hard. the final straw was when i was listening to my boyfriend accuse me of doing the most insane things that i wasnt doing. I heard myself accusing him of insane things that he wasnt doing. we both started crying and i sad this drug is making us effing insane. we both were smart enought to realize we had utterly lost our minds. (i was 93 pounds that day...im 5'8) he hadnt slept in 5 days, i hadnt slept in 3. so anyway we both quit. i feel better than ever now. its been a year. i have more energy and i can get out of the house, im never flaky or late and i dont spen 3 hours getting ready. i look better. i feel better, i smell better lol.
--vfq

   Sending you as promised what I am doing after sending the first report about me… I am happy to say that I am free and got away from the hard time of withdrawal. I haven’t touched anything to make me happy since 4 months or more and not even inclined or tempted to try it even for once. I am happy to see that my brain and after a looong time learned to take simple pleasures and the depression moods are less and less ..I even took myself off any meds as I knew the problem from which my depressions arose.
   I am back in my life..working, trying to get through however with my effort.. I couldn’t have done it without a sweet soul by my side and in this case I was sent too.. Martin and John… both helped a great deal by just listening and offering a shoulder to cry on… you are my guardian angels…
   I hope and wish that others will head my warnings… please find someone you can talk to… someone who will listen.. and you will find it easy to realize whats going on… God Bless…
-far

   Hi. I am a 31 year old meth addict. I have been addicted to meth for the past 11 years. Most of which I don't remember. I had a good paying job, fabulous boyfriend, and many friends. It all caught up to me though, beginning in 2006. My boyfriend found out about my meth use, we had been dating for about 7 - 8 years, I was using the whole time. He begged me to stop, I promised I would, over and over again. Finally I decided I needed rehab. My work, of course, allow me the time off. I had worked in the office for 7 years. When I got out I stayed clean for about 2 days. Then picked up where I left off. I was so delusional that I didn't see the huge disaster heading my way. In January of 2008 I was fired, after 81/2 years, because I wasn't following procedure, but I thought I was irreplaceable. Guess not. I lived off my unemployment for months. Still messing around, not learning my lesson.
   Finally, my boyfriend of now almost 10 years tells me he no longer loves me and that I have till the end of the month to get my stuff out. This coming from the man I wanted to merry, have a future with, the man I loved and still love today. All the people I called my friends were his friends also, they decided to stay HIS friends and forget about me. I had to move back in with my mom at 31 years old, no job, and no friends left to help me get through it. So I continued to use. I needed to numb myself from all the hurt that I caused myself.
  Tonight I managed to lose $100 worth of meth. That's $100 I don't have. I still have no job because everyone piss tests these days. I've been living off my 401k, which is almost gone!! I CAN'T KEEP LIVING LIKE THIS!! I want to stop so bad, but when I have nothing to do all day I just end up getting high. I also think about how stupid I was to lose EVERYTHING I had and then I just want to numb it. I know the man of my dreams will never come back. My life was perfect and I threw it all away. So why can't I get clean and stay clean?
IF I HAD 1 WISH... I WOULD WISH THAT I NEVER TRIED METH!
--ferd

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