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Methamphetamine: Stories and Letters of the Hidden Costs
by Users, Loved Ones, and Parents

   I was sitting on a bench outside around 12am in the cold. My brain was flooding with outrages thoughts at a speed I had never endured. I was being struck with epiphanies one after another each more mind blowing than the 1 before. From realizing that I struggle with drug use (and that i am always the one out of all my friends to get the most "fucked up") to discovering what our place is in the universe and then too thinking people were out to stop me for what I "knew". I began hearing voices in a distant, plotting how they were going to surround and capture me. The chase was on as soon as i saw a police car driving down the street ready to make a turn on the street i was on!! I panicked and quickly began walking down the neighborhood street(but behind the houses). The Cop car turned to its left and was driving by slowly parallel to me. Through each space between the houses i saw the cop car directly across on the other side! I was sure of it now they had initiated their plan to capture me. I stopped behind one of the houses to throw away the sack of marijuana i had in my pocket. I began to run fast! Jumped over a 6-7 foot wall in an instant with no delay (help from adrenaline or something) and i was on the other street. But already I saw a car off in the distant (not sure it was a cop car but i was convinced they had surrounded me and were closing in. I was paranoid like never before!! I was even checking the night sky to see if there were any helicopters on me yet. I took a moment to think where i should hide. i thought off many possibilities in an instant! I ran down next to the wall and crossed back over it again. I was headed towards my friends house. Where maybe i could hide. I was almost there. I went up the stairs and knocked. His mom answered and right away she could tell something was wrong (maybe cause of my shaking and low voice). She asked me what was the matter. I told her i couldn't tell her. Her son then came and talked to me. He wasn't so sober either but he just told me to go to my house and try to sleep. So i ended walking home. I was still very alert with each step. There wasn't any signs of cops. They seemed to have just disappeared; then right when i was like 6-7 yards away from my door a f****** car passes by. (scared me shitless) I thought it was a cop but turned out to be some regular car. Now all I had to do was get inside my house and hope my mom didn't notice something was wrong. I quickly opened the door and went to my room. Mom was in her room which is right next to mine. I got the eye drops for my redness and went to the bathroom but the drops did nothing for my dilated pupils. As i was just standing in front of the mirror in the bathrrom with my hand over my hyper beating heart. Time slowed down but then i felt better. Once my eyes whitened I went to the living room and put my shades on and got on the computer. I was still out of my mind and thinking insanely. I then had flashes of seeing my dad on meth back when i was 10. I remember him telling me people were after him. He wouldn't let me open the blinds because he thought "they would see him" through the window. I was still struggling with in between what was real and what wasn't. I wasn't sure if i was going insane like my father (whom I haven't seen in 7 yrs or heard or known where he is) or if my epiphanies were real. I had a taste of what my father went through (the person i told myself i would never be like) and I see myself going down the same path he did. He caused my mother and me a lot of pain and i still hope I don't do the same yet I see myself take steps in his direction. I finally felt better once i was at home with my mother next to me watching TV ( I know she suspects me of being on something but it hurts her too much to come out and tell me she knows) either way i still try to be discreet of my drug uses. As i spent more time in my house away from the people outside i felt better and went to bed with my littler 7 yr old brother next to me already deep asleep. I thought about how much I love him and i laid down and slept.
    This was all last night. Once i woke up this morning I looked up meth trips(how i found this site) to see if anyone had encountered anything like I did. note: i was on several different drugs just that a little meth was included so I decided to type my story. I hope to never go through anything like/similar to that again!! I know the choice is mine. I just wonder if I will stop. But then I look at my little brother playing with his toys to my right as i type this, I know I Must stop! before I drown deeper to the point of no return.
    I wish everyone going through more serious addictions to make it through it. ITS your CHOICE! No matter how strong the grip is from those substances.
-Anonymous

Husband addicted to meth
    At 19 I married my high school sweetheart and best friend. Everything was perfect. Perhaps too perfect. We bought a house, both had good jobs, nice vehicles. We did everything together. Soon we decided we wanted to start our family and had our first daughter at 21. We loved her so much and our life, our family that we soon started trying for another. Our 2nd daughter was born when we were 23. While I was pregnant we decided to remodel our 2 bedroom house. My husband did all of the work himself. Turning our small house into a very large 2 story, 5 bedroom, 3 bath house. He was also working 12 hour days, 7 days a week as a maintenance supervisor. Someone he worked with offered him meth. Told him it would help him stay up to get our house finished, so he tried it. He thought he would get done with the remodel and quit and I would never know the difference. But soon the drug became more important than I was or than our daughters even, much less the house that was unfinished or a job. One day he overdosed and it sent him over the edge. I had heard rumors of what he was doing, who he was hanging around but I didn't want to believe it. My family didn't drink or curse or smoke and they surely had not done any type of drug. He sent me and the girls to my parents house because he just knew someone was coming for him. Later he told me that he thought helicopters and motorcycle cops were following him but would not pull him over. That he drove thru the middle of town with no headlights, that he got out and argued with the police to arrest him if they had anything on him but to quit following him. That they threw some type of gas into his truck and jumped off their motorcycles and onto his truck. He ran the truck through a fence into a field until it would go no more. He then got out and crawled across the field. Fighting these demons as they came up from under the dirt until he passed out in a ditch across from his family home and right down the road from ours. Of course none of this happened but it was so real to him. I started making my move to leave. I offered him every bit of help possible. I stayed as long as I could but soon he left to stay with his mom to let things cool down between us, in the meantime he was really staying with a girl from work and her kids, not even calling to check on mine. I moved out, got a place close to my parents and within months filed for divorce as his behavior worsened. We were only 24. The next 4 years were a struggle. A living hell. As I tried to pick up the pieces of my life and start over he was always there. Begging for another chance but not willing to put in the work to prove himself or clean up. He would be decent for a little while and see the girls, never anything overnight and mostly supervised with me which led him to believe we were working things out. After 2 years and countless girlfriends on his part I made the biggest mistake of my life and married a coworker. This only added to Jason's fears that it really had nothing to do with the drugs but that I had left him for someone else. He began to accuse and fight with me over where I was when he had the girls even though it was none of his business. He would downgrade and belittle me because I was not waiting on him while he went through this phase or because I was not helping enough. Never mind that I did everything for our girls. That I paid all lawyer fees. That he went to jail several times for charges unrelated to me and for things he did to me and the girls. Damaging property in our house, following us and beating on the car windows at restaurants. Telling me that I had no right to be with anyone but him and that I was only trying to use the girls against him. My marriage did not last, it did not work. 2 months after we said "I do", I got my own place and stayed there. We maintained an and off dating relationship and legally stayed married for 2 years but it was never real. My heart belonged to my first love, the father of my children, my once best friend in the whole world. He finally cleaned up. Held a job, paid his child support, was wonderful with me and the girls. And so I took him back. We soon intentionally got pregnant trying to continue with our plans, our life, our hopes and dreams. Even though he was not using meth anymore he remained unfaithful, unattached. He was scared of getting hurt. He was scarred by my actions during our divorce and separation. Needless to say the girl would not leave him alone either. She did everything possible to intrude in our thoughts, our doubts, our lives. I know it's not fair to blame him but I lost our child in the 5th month of pregnancy. Another girl. I had to deliver her knowing her heart had stopped beating. She was perfect in every way except that she had gotten tangled in the cord. We had a funeral and got matching tattoos to remember her. I blame him because at the time I lost her I had found out he was still cheating. I was having to read the txt messages and hear the voicemails he had left for his girlfriend. He was running back and forth between us not sure what he or who he wanted. Wanting to believe that our tragic loss had been eye opening and to prove that my heart was truly his I held on. I fought for him. I wanted him to know that I was stronger now I would support him and stand by him through anything. I had learned that as long as he was clean I was there. As long as it wasn't dangerous to our girls, I would work with him. I wanted to heal his heartache and reassure him of my love and committment. Almost a year went by with no real contact from the other woman. We would hear or see things through the grapevine and know she was at the bottom of it but I couldn't prove that he had anything to do with her. Things were still hard for us. He is so insecure, so scarred and damaged. He would accuse me of the craziest things. Having someone else come in our house while he was asleep. Leaving voicemails of myself with another on my phone when in reality the message had come from him and his phone. I have had absolutely no contact with anyone from my life without him. I cut all connections and have done everything to reassure him. I do not leave the house without my children, my mom, grandmother, sister, or approved friend. He doesn't require this but he accuses everything I do so I try to show him. He has passwords to everything, access to the phone bill. And yet if I am throwing trash away when he walks in the door I am trying to hide something from him. I can not go to the bathroom without question in my own house. If I do have to go somewhere alone I make sure it is somewhere I have to sign in so he could verify it if chose. The school, the doctor, etc. The beginning of September, his ex and my ex decided to get together and start some trouble. It sent him over the edge. He began using meth again with his brother. He confessed and checked into rehab. The same day I found out I was pregnant again. He came back from detox assured that this baby was our blessing, our savior. That his one time relapse was a wake up call and everything would be perfect. A few weeks later he gave into the pull to use again. I kicked him out. He stayed with his dad and brother for 2 months. Constantly accussing me and being just as ugly and hateful as he could. He went back to the ex. All the while me begging for him to be what our family needs. For his respect and consideration. For his forgiveness when I have done nothing wrong but love him and expect better from him. No drugs, no cheating, no accusations, just love and respect. He came back 3 weeks ago and we began counseling. This weekend he snapped again and yet somehow I am the one that ended up in trouble. I am 4 months pregnant now and terrified of something going wrong. He is gone and telling me he wants a divorce, accusing me of having an affair with every man we come into contact with. I am heartbroken and lost. My daughters are terrified of him and angry with his behavior toward me. I know in my head I have given it everything but I can not make myself let go again. One minute he says he loves me, the next that there is no love lost and we are done. I know the true nastiness is to come. I know that he fights with me in order to excuse his behavior and more than likely it just a matter of time before he uses again. Especially staying with his brother whom never stopped using. I am afraid he will not be here for Christmas or this pregnancy and baby. That he will move on again with someone else and that I am stuck here waiting and praying that God deals with him before we hurt each other anymore. This drug has destroyed my life. Without it I know that we would still be happily married, still have our trust and respect for each other. He would not have cheated, we would not be so scarred and scared. I am terrified at what it will do to my children. Will they grow up to hate men? Will they ever have a relationship with him? Should they? Will they use drugs? I want to believe that we will come out stronger and be happy and full of love again. I want to believe that somehow I can use my struggles and heartache to help someone else, to keep someone else from going through this hell. That we will all be able to, hopefully as a family.
--R

Letter I wrote to myself tonight
Covered from head to toe
To have the peace of mind to know
As they curl up to cuddle tight
One on the left, one on the right
They wont be poisoned by me tonight
Here I lie, cold as ice
See me glow in the dim light
It may just shatter, skin so tight..
Shhh no talking, I cant answer your questions
Im preoccupied and besides my mouth barely functions
My tongue is deformed and my throat is on fire
But I continue to chew like its my only desire
Forcing my body to let go of the tension
It squeezes so tight but keeps on beating to give new life
Take a deep breath to lighten its load
How far can I push it before it exploads?
"Hey, didnt I tell you this shit will kill you?"
Watch them cry as they say adieu
And have to face this world without you
How did that feel? Bet you felt that one
But you'll wake up tomorrow, feeling refreshed and renewed
And dismiss the dissent of destitution ; life gone astrew
You mastered the art of how to self manipulate
As you say with conviction,
I see no evidence this is my fate
Well, since you're being honest,
Go ahead and reread it
Open your eyes
What do your words indicate, despite all your lies?
Ill go ahead and call it as I see it
Your a dumb ass, selfish, waste of a mother
And your children will be the ones that will suffer.
--Nicole

No mother because of Meth...
   I am fifteen years old and my mother is a closet meth addict. She has always hid it from our whole family until recently when there is no other excuse for her behavior. She has been using for about nine years now, I am almost positive she started using after my sister was born and her boyfriend went to prison. Since then it has been hell not understanding what was happening to my mom. She would stay in her room all day and leave me in charge of my sister. For years I had to take responsibility for the child while my mother unknowingly did her dope. I feared her back then because her moods were unbearable. She did things to me I will never forget in a crazy rage, then go back to her room and crash. Thankfully, we have always lived with my grandma who takes care of me, my sister, and my mom. For a long time I gave her the benefit of the doubt that maybe she was just mental. I thought maybe her terrible mood wings and strange behavior was a sign of depression or bi-polar disorder. And while this might be true also, meth is the real problem. She constantly sucks all the money she can out of my grandma. When she will no longer give her money, she steals. And let me tell you this, she steals EVERYTHING. Every item in our house worth any amount of money turns up missing. Out of my room, the garage, my grandma's room, she even stole a pool table from our landlord getting us almost evicted. To cover up all this theft, she lies. She lies and lies and lies. There is no way to tell when she is speaking the truth anymore. I can tell when she's high, it is the only time she is pleasant and out of her room. If she is out of money when the high is over, she is literally a monster. She screams, abuses and says the worst things. She treats us kids and her mother like trash. She used to take her anger out on me as a little kid, but now that I am old enough to fight back she has stopped. Both me and my grandmother are aware of the addiction now. I have attempted to talk to my mom about it, but  she dodges the subject and will never admit it. This woman is 34 years old, still living with her mother. She hasn't had a job for over a decade and ignores my grandma's demand to look for work. She does nothing but use and sleep. I can't do anything to stop her. My grandma could have her arrested very easily, but she is not the type for tough love. I have lost all the respect for my mom, and I have now lost all hope of her ever getting better. I am trying desperately to get away from it all. I hope to go to JobCorp soon or a boarding school, anything. I've never had a mother because of this worthless drug.
-- Kai

Don't know what to do...
   I have a brother who uses meth, I have tried to talk to him, he stays with me because I take care of him, his meth addiction had caused him to have a cardiac arrest, he died for a min or so, they brought him back, he now has a defibrillator, but he still won't wake up, I have tried to tell him that his heart is so enlarged that it could explode, but he doesn't take it serious, I have monitors at home so doctors can keep track of his vitals, that is the only reason I don't kick him out, I don't mention about his using anymore, it doesn't do any good, I am waiting for him to hit rock bottom and then maybe he will get help, but how can he hit rock bottom when he gets a check every month, he only does meth once a month.
--pr 

The pain never ends
   I can't believe I am here again. Found this site in 2007, and it helped me file for divorce from my best friend. Lies, stealing, pain, loneliness, ugliness, hatred..those were my marriage. I still loved him, and leaving him was the best thing I could do for myself, and yet here I am in 2001, feeling it all over again. Pain never goes away, and the mess that meth makes lasts forever. I married him til death do us part, and only divorced him because I refused to let myself watch him kill himself with the devil's drug. I missed him everyday for the last three years. Had some relationships. I'm with someone wonderful now, Treats me like a princess, and never did drugs in his life. Ran into my ex a couple days ago and seeing him not on meth is tearing me apart. He loves someone else and I do too, but we both now use alcohol to deal, and I just cry all the time. I miss him so much, and what we had. Feels like we never had closure, and because I was forced to divorce him before it killed me, I never got answers. Meth is evil and I feel like the pain will never go away.
--A

   When i was 2 years old,my mother left me, my dad and my handicap brother. I didn't see her until i was the age of 5,she had two other children with a different man. My mom was doing meth everytime i came to visit her. I never knew because i was obviously to young to understand,but as i grew so did her addiction. I remember telling my dad that she was smoking something,but all i knew was that she spun it when she smoked it,that was the age of 9,I never saw my mom again. At the age of eleven i started drinking heavily,then drinking turned into smoking pot after using everyday.Then finally after my dad had enough of me coming home high or drunk everynight he sent me to an outpatient rehab facility,and i did well until one day,my friends mom offered me a line of meth,i accepted the offer. Then after i told my rehab i had relapsed on meth they sent me to an impatient facility in Redwood City,CA after two days of not bieng able to use or atleast smoke a cigarette i A/walled(ranaway) and i was pheening crystal..as soon as i got out of redwood city i started talking to this girl, and told her that i was 15 years old and i wanted some meth, she said well do you have any money? my answer was no. "Have you ever tried Hoe-ing?" was her reply..I didnt like the idea, but i had no other option,i couldn't go back. I was a 15 year old prostitute...selling my body for meth. And at the time,i thought i had it all..i was using everyday and thought i just had it so good...Until that one night someone had pulled a knife on me, i was so scared...i gave him his money back wanting no problems and after he left i called my dad crying.But i couldn't tell him where i was at,because i didn't want to be a "snitch." The pimp had told me if i ever snitch on him he would kill me and my family..So i met my dad somewhere,he picked me up and i told him everything.Now that i think about it, that wasn't worth it,almost dying? and selling my money for a little bag of dope everynight? And,look at me now im back in an outpatient rehab,going to meetings every saturday...and still using,but luckily i haven't relapsed on meth...yet. For all those teens out their who think drinking and smoking are ok...it's really not...alcohol and pot are gateway drugs...eventually you will turn to other drugs for support..if i could go back in time  to never drink or do drugs,i would..i can tell you right now i would be in alot better place then i would be now.^ABOVE THE INFLUENCE!!!^
--Rebecca

Hey mother hey father and to one another.
Before I tell you. I want you to promise to hold me and never let go..!
For what I'm about to tell you is very explicit material
that I never thought to say
these words that the wind blew off away.
Because there too disturbing to say!
this is why I hid it away
to protect you both from shame,
that I was to blame for being this way!
May I still please stay with you guys for at least today?
I have no where else to lay,
besides on the cold dirt floor of dark night outside world.
Where I just left to come home and live and die again!
I gain perspective and acquired knowledge to over come.
The situation that I keep bringing back again. An what do I gain?
A problem that has reached it's end.
I can only blame myself for what I created, this chaos has failed us.
To contain ourselves in peace, no longer at ease.
We break apart and I set to leave.
No where to go, no where to eat. Where do I sleep?
I go out to the wilderness, of this crazy world.
I have never seen, had to believe the speak, of the weak cowards!
that only ran back home.
When confronted with justice, of the worlds wrath of fair trial.
Because fallen angels believe, whatever there deeds.
There true by virtue, of the all mighty God "Jesus"
created from gospels of Catholicism and Christianity.
But if the message is to love all
and hate the rest that are not of the same faith.
What a horrible trait.
Religion has inherited, a catastrophe of education.
All there wars, and all there hate.
For the power of the sole control,
to manipulate and destroy.
Our one way road
to the path of happiness and more.
Is no longer the whore but it was conserve,
for the minds who don't sleep.
Who are still fighting just to live!
One day you'll see...
my love is greater
Then anything you will see!

Preparando mi sentimientos,
en palabras que no rompan viento.
Trato de apresurar
todo lo que ves y lo que soy.
Por todo lo que paso,
no culpo a ninguno,
solo sabrá Dios porque!
Pero así fue.
Y no se como ser algo, que tu deseas ver.
Si jamás yo mire
el ejemplo, allá en el templo.
Que me arrastró mi cuerpo, no queriendo ir.
Pretendiendo ser feliz,
en una falsa vida de vivir.
No es para mi, por que Ya quiero morir.
Por que escondo en mi alma,
a lo mas fondo, de mi corazón.
Un secreto muy negro, que temo decir.
Por falta de sentir, un amor feliz.
Un escudo me detuvo, a darte mi corazón.
Por que en tu me ví, un amor, mentir!
Golpeando me por seguro
otra ves estoy de prisa casi ganas de morir.
por no a ver sido el hijo que tu has querido de mi!
--Gildardo